Personal learnings on how to make friends as an adult
Ok, so this blog post is slightly different to what I normally write about regarding the field of UX and personal development. However, I believe writing about building friends as an adult is a particularly important area of development that can relate to my usual topic in that to grow as an adult, having the right people around you is incredibly important for both mental and physical health.
With this in mind, I’ve been on a personal reflection journey recently in terms of where I have come so far with my goals over the past 5 years; i.e losing 8 ½ stone, retraining in UX and moving to London on my own. However, my next goals have been more of a challenge for 2021: making new friends. Unlike other goals I have completed, for some reason this has been a bit of a struggle to aim for, as not only has the global pandemic made it harder to meet people in person, it’s also learning and re-educating myself into how to socialise.
On my quest to plan towards this goal, I came across an article by Radhika Sanghani who went through a similar building friendship quest and it was interesting to find out in her article that by the end of 25, our friendship groups begin to fall rapidly. Not only that, there’s increasing evidence that loneliness can increase the risk of cognitive decline, possibly due to a lack of brain stimulation.
With those facts in my mind and understanding the importance of having friends as an adult, the question that kept coming up was, “Why is it so difficult to make friends as an adult?”. When recently discussing the subject with one of my friends about understanding why setting this goal was more difficult to complete, she highlighted the fact that, unlike the formerly completed goals whereby it is self-driven, friendships rely on a two-way development towards the goal.
This got me curious and I decided to do some deeper research into the subject area to see if there were any actions or tasks I could take to improve my motivation on reaching this goal that focuses on reducing the barrier of two-way dependency.
I came across a comment made by Dr Angela Carter, an occupational psychologist for BBC Bitesize.
She highlights that “…compared to young children you see in a playgroup who are not really influenced by any norms of society, when you’re older, you tend to group ‘in’ friends that have the same values as you. You’re thinking ‘they do things like me, a book club or an art group’ and so status starts to develop around being a member that associates similar values to you.”
As an introvert, this came as a blessing to hear this piece of advice as I respect deeper relationships with the same values as me rather than hanging out with groups of people who share some similar qualities (i.e age group, gender and stage in life) that are more associated with the younger years of my life, of which now tends to drain my energy.
Although the thought of being rejected and putting myself out there to strangers sounds scary, I do like a good challenge and this got me thinking of ways I can increase the number of friends.
For this challenge, I set myself two goals:
- To make 5 new friends by the end of December 2021 that bring me joy and growth through joining relevant groups.
- To build my connections within the field of UX and writing through outreach to relevant groups by the end of December 2021.
With these goals set, I created a five task action plan that I’ve learnt to work towards these goals:
1. Develop self-love and know your own values and interests
So I’ve started the list with an action that is self-focused, but hear me out! When making friends, you need to make sure you put your best foot forward and don’t bring any heavy baggage with you that will cause negativity within the first stages of getting to know someone. You need to reflect on what you can bring to the friendship and/or relationship, and this can only be done by clearly defining what you want from this, what your personality is and reflections from the past of what you deem to be good and bad versions of previous relationships and friendships. By analysing this, then you can clearly map out your desired outcome and the groups you want to grow with.
2. Focus on joining a club or group that shares your values
When mapping out how I could grow my friendship group, I first focused on making friends with interests I already have. The problem was I had a lot of interests: World War 2 history, Fitness and Health, Cooking, Playing the Guitar, sustainability, football and reading just to name a few. However, I realised not all of my interests will lead to building successful friendships and relationships.
Instead, I tried to focus on areas whereby it can relate to a certain goal outside of my professional life that would lead to making friends who shared the same interests and values. I ended up joining a running club in my local area, as I am currently training towards running a marathon and am with people who share a similar mindset.
When I joined the group, I also realised there is an opportunity to get involved with social events outside of the club which has been another bonus for meeting new like-minded people.
3. Focus on areas you want to grow and develop from
For me, this is an obvious choice: UX, writing and social entrepreneurship. This type of friendship works in two ways. 1) You are learning and gaining support from personal experiences on subject areas of your interest; 2) You are more likely to share the same vision and goals and therefore you have accountability to move forward together with the aspirations you want in life.
To meet these types of people, I have focused on joining Meetup groups for local talk, taking courses and researching clubs that gather for accountability sessions. Similar to the running group, there are opportunities outside of the initial group to socialise.
4. Leverage your current network
I’ve realised over the past couple of months when trying to grow my friendship network that, although it is great to make new friends, make sure that you build upon already found networks and nurture your current friendship group.
On personal reflection, it should be 30–35% of the time focusing on building new networks and 65–70% on your current network. And with this in mind, I have got some great friends back home in Bournemouth who I try to meet up with whenever I’m back home who, and although might not be in the same geographic area or share the same life goals, they have been the most supportive friends that I’m blessed to have and I always have a great time with, no matter what we are doing.
In addition, I have some amazing friendships online, particularly from being part of the Aspiring Women’s Speaker group for the past 12 months, which has given me the most amazing worldwide network of the most ambitious yet encouraging women I am delighted to call my friends!
Not only is it good to keep these types of friends, but they also provide an opportunity to expand your group through friends they have who also share similar interests and goals to you.
5. Don’t try to spread yourself too thinly
This last point is more of a piece of advice rather than a task. Regarding my previous attempts at trying to work on this goal, don’t try and join as many groups as possible and make loads of friends at once! It should be about the quality of the friendship groups that make you feel comfortable and authentic that you feel you can sustain long term rather than going and making loads of acquaintances that make you feel uncomfortable.
As with all goals I’ve completed, making friends should be an ongoing, iterative process. With these tasks and lessons I’ve reflected on working on this specific goal, hopefully, this will help those of you who have been in a similar situation. Remember to always focus on what you value and what brings you joy to help build your friendships and relationships.
