Personal learnings on looking for a relationship
I wanted to write another article this week based solely on personal development, particularly on building relationships. This interlinks with the personal article I wrote about my goal in trying to make friendships as these two feel intertwined. Again I feel like this is an important topic to talk about due to the distortion in the media in what a relationship should be rather than looking at how two individuals can build something special.
Just a quick story about my situation: I was in a relationship with my childhood sweetheart for 9 years and planning to get married. We had our whole life set up together and what adventures we would be looking forward to in the future. However, 9 months before we were due to tie the knot, we decided to break up as we realised we had grown apart. The stress of trying to grow up too quickly and the pressures from society took its toll on the relationship.
Although it was a mutual decision, it was strange at first as I felt like I had lost my identity and felt scared about my future being on my own going forward. It seemed for 9 years that my life and goals were intertwined with him. This meant I struggled to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be.
However, with myself being single for the past 6 years, it’s interesting to see how I have transformed myself from being an unhappy, overweight postgraduate with a lack of direction in life to a more healthy, self-assured and goal orientated individual.
I’ve appreciated my time being single as it has meant that I could not only be selfish to improve myself but also participate in bringing more impacts to the communities I care about, such as UX, public speaking and doing challenges to raise money for charities.
Although it is currently one of the things I was most terrified about, I am now in a position to go back and look for a relationship and, through trial and error, have listed what I want in particular from a partner.
When searching for articles based on “a single girl’s guide to going back into a relationship”, it was only flooded with “how to improve your relationship as a couple” or “join this dating site.” I found this very unhelpful as it doesn’t advise me of the steps I need to develop to feel comfortable going back into a relationship.
As well, although the pandemic has made it more difficult to meet people in person, I’m not too keen on joining dating sites. This is because I feel that they focus more on interests rather than values, of which I struggle to bypass the superficial with the former. I also feel there is a void in trying to build a deeper relationship with someone if you are not in a similar group or situation which helps to build the attraction, such as work, professional groups or friendship circles.
Therefore, I want this article to be how you can prepare yourself for a relationship and ways to use your time being single effectively to feel prepared to move into that step of your life.
- Focus on self-love and develop the best version of yourself
I feel this is the most underrated, yet under popularised skill, you can develop to grow confidence in love. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t got the flattest stomach or aren’t as loud as others, you need to think about what makes you unique and what you can bring to the relationship. Think about what brings you joy to your world and write it somewhere so you learn to appreciate yourself. This will immediately improve your self-esteem and make you feel good about yourself.
Also, write down what you have achieved over a certain amount of time that relates to your goals. You’ll be surprised how much you have achieved and give you that self cheerleading spirit.
Remember to learn to be happy with yourself-take yourself on dates and appreciate time on your own. Don’t be afraid to go to the cinema or that nice fancy restaurant on your own, do what makes you feel happy. Not only does this show independence, but the ability to feel self-reliant.
2. Focus on growing your own interests and networks
As previously mentioned in my friendship article, there needs to be a focus on your own interests and build friendships that provide a life outside of the relationship. With my previous mistake of always being dependent on my ex for social life and emotional needs, it shrunk my social skills and ability to rely on others, not just him. It took a toll on not only my mental but physical health which has taken me five years to rebuild. Therefore, always make sure you put the time in to develop your friendships and interests, as it not only allows you to bring something to talk about, it also allows you to be less dependent on one person.
3. Learn to invest in yourself
Taken inspiration from a recent article by Ellen Nguyen of which she wrote about 8 habits of genuinely attracted people, the one that stood out to me what putting effort into developing yourself. I have spent the past five years learning to invest in myself, such as understanding nutrition and exercise, education and skills needed to help build the life my future self will appreciate.
Remember, if you are attracted to particular qualities in someone else, find or develop those qualities in yourself and you can only do this if you put the time to invest in yourself.
4. Understand why you want a partner
Social media seems to be flooded with posts about “Relationship goals’ ‘ and needing to be in a relationship like it’s a life or death situation. Not only that, there are a few people that question why you’re still single like there’s something wrong with you. In truth, only you know when it's ready to enter a relationship and feel proud to be yourself, no matter what relationship status you are currently in.
It’s fine to be single and enjoy understanding who you are as a person, but when you reach the time where you start looking for a partner, it is important to define why you need a partner and how they can benefit your life going forward, not just because you are feeling lonely and scared to be on your own.
5. Learn to love again
I think has to be the hardest lesson to learn out of all the points, due to this focusing on actions from the past fogging up possibilities for the future. However, ways to work around this are:
- Create statements that you can read that puts down any negative beliefs about relationships. During my time being single and trying to date others, the one aspect that has had a negative impact on my self-esteem when trying to date was trust and some men posing as single but were married and had children. Although I can believe that all men are like this, I know in my heart that this is not true and there are some amazing men out there who would never do that. Therefore, I have to keep saying to myself statements, such as “There are some great men out there who will cherish you for you who will be truthful to you,” in order to quash this self-belief.
- Understand what you want from a partner from past reflections and who you can imagine growing with in the future. Personally, the top traits I am looking for in a partner are: being supportive, selfless and willing to help others, someone who is entrepreneurial, has his own passions and is always looking to learn and grow. Without understanding this, it's easier to enter something that doesn’t feel right and feels like aiming for the second-best to what you truly desire from a relationship.
- You need to define the difference between sex and love. I feel like programmes such as Love Island have distorted what it means to be in a relationship. It not only presents the mindset that you have to “look perfect” to have the best relationship, but it cheapens the aspects of what it takes to make a relationship that solely focuses on sex. Real love takes time and focuses on two people working together regardless of their flaws.
By writing this self-reflection article, it has given me a direction of how to work on my goal of entering a relationship and the key steps I need to adopt when moving towards this. Hopefully, it has given those of you who have been in a similar situation the motivation to find love again, and remember no matter what relationship status you are in, always remember to appreciate yourself for who you are.
